By Mark Demas
In a typical divorce you will be called upon to make many decisions. The end of a marriage can be an arduous and stress-filled time and you may be looking for a distraction from the emotional turmoil.
Getting together with family and friends can be an excellent way to relieve the pressure. In fact, Psychology Today advises against isolating during a divorce.
“Isolation is a symptom of depression, and this is a time when you need to connect with people,” according to clinical psychologist Ann Gold Buscho. “You may spend time alone as you work through your emotions, but make an effort to talk to friends and get out of your home.”
But is it wise to start dating while you are in the middle of a divorce? Legally speaking, there is nothing to prevent you from pursuing a romantic relationship before your marriage has been officially dissolved. But it can present complications.
Going out on a date can seem harmless but you should consider all the possible ramifications that can have an impact on your future. At Demas Schaefer Family Lawyers, we can provide practical advice and explain the pitfalls of dating during a divorce.
The emotions of divorce
According to Psychology Today, divorce is “95 per cent emotional and only five per cent legal.” It can involve a complex mix of feelings that may include anger, shock, guilt, grief, sadness and uncertainty. Certainly, the legal aspect involved is extremely important but the emotions associated with a breakup is what you will be dealing with primarily. While you of course have an important part to play in the process, it is your lawyer’s job to take care of the legal machinations.
Divorce can seem “like the death of your hopes and dreams,” Gold Buscho explains. It is therefore important to give yourself time to process your emotions while turning an eye to what lies ahead.
“While reflecting on the past is important … it is important to think about your goals for the future,” Gold Buscho states. “It may help to develop a vision of how you want your life to look in a year, two years, and five years. Set realistic goals and think through the steps to meet those goals. Tell yourself you will be happy again. Give yourself permission to find happiness, despite a divorce. You deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling life.”
Starting a new relationship
Some people may be tempted to jump into a new relationship immediately after a breakup but that can be a mistake they quickly regret.
“Often people transition from a breakup to dating again without taking the time to reflect on where they are emotionally,” according to MentalHealth.com. “A relationship may begin, only to quickly falter due to unresolved emotional issues. This can be addressed by slowing down long enough to explore why a previous relationship did not work, what part a person played in it, and what needs to shift moving forward.”
The website suggests asking yourself a few questions:
- Are you seeking a real partnership or do you believe a relationship will take the edge off life’s stressors and challenges?
- Will contributing to someone’s life bring joy or do you just want to be taken care of yourself?
- Have you reflected on your past relationships or is someone new expected to bring a completely new experience?
“The phrase, ‘Timing is everything,’ may be cliche, but it resonates because it is true,” MentalHealth.com explains. “In relationships, timing is not just important – it is essential. Key considerations such as mental or emotional availability, as well as having clarity as to whether or not a person has the capacity to commit to a relationship, should be considered from the start.”
What to consider
There are many reasons, both practical and emotional, why people enter relationships. There may be a desire for intimacy and companionship, shared experiences, a sense of belonging or for support and security.
Chemistry can be difficult to deny, even if you are going through a divorce. However, researchers say love is a choice, not a feeling. So, what should you do if you meet someone you are attracted to when you are in the process of a divorce? That is a personal decision you have to make for yourself but there are some things you should consider.
Before you can get a divorce in Canada you and your spouse must be separated and have lived apart for at least one year. The exception is if your spouse has been physically or mentally cruel or if your spouse has committed adultery.
If you start dating during the mandatory one-year separation period, or even soon after, your ex may accuse you of beginning the relationship while you were still married. That can potentially impact parenting time and the assignment of decision-making responsibilities.
Can add conflict to your divorce
You need to consider human nature: You may not have started a romance until after the divorce has been filed but your former partner may still feel hurt and angry that you are moving on, even if they initiated the breakup. That can add conflict to your divorce with your ex refusing to cooperate, delaying the process and making things more expensive. A new relationship during a divorce may also negatively impact spousal support.
Divorce can be stressful and juggling a new relationship at the same time can add to that stress. Also, even though you may believe your new partnership is emotionally beneficial, it may actually be a detriment to your healing process.
Of course, you have to consider how dating someone during your divorce will impact your offspring. The breakup of a marriage can be especially difficult on children, causing resentment. They may be dealing with anger, confusion and sadness, struggling to adjust to new living arrangements and routines. Adding a new dimension to your family circle may exacerbate an already tense situation.
The stress of a divorce may also impact the romantic relationship you are pursuing. Although it may not be intentional, you could end up taking out any of the anger and frustration you are feeling on your new partner.
Look before you leap
Divorce can be a difficult time and you may be searching for a distraction. Certainly, dating can be fun and can help take your mind off your legal challenges. It can also make you feel more confident and give you a more positive outlook about the future.
However, the decision to date during your divorce should not be taken lightly. You should seek advice and ensure you understand the legal ramifications of starting a new relationship.
At Demas Schaefer Family Lawyers we know that every situation is different. We will meet with you to discuss your circumstances and suggest a strategy designed to reach your goals.
Contact us to arrange an appointment with one of our experienced family and divorce lawyers today. We offer a free 15-minute telephone or video consultation where we can discuss your options.