By Emily Gore
Divorce can be challenging even if the end of a relationship is amicable. However, it presents more of a challenge when your partner is a narcissist.
According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada, narcissism is “a personality trait that features an excessive preoccupation with oneself, often involving an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.”
“People who exhibit strong narcissistic traits may prioritize their own needs and desires over those of others, expect special treatment, and have difficulty handling criticism,” the Commission states.
Narcissism has been termed “self-esteem on steroids.” Indeed, narcissism and confidence are terms often used interchangeably. However Scientific America explains that research suggests it “differs significantly from self-esteem in its development, origins, consequences, and outcomes.”
Because narcissists are adept at manipulating emotions, divorcing one can be stressful and it may take a great deal of effort to break away from the relationship. It is in your best interest to understand how narcissism works and what to expect during a divorce. It is also important to seek advice from an attorney who can help you navigate the legal process and protect your rights and interests.
At Demas Schaefer Family Lawyers we are experienced in divorce and family law litigation. We realize that every client is unique and will listen to your concerns so we can tailor a strategy to meet your specific needs and goals.
What is a narcissist?
Just because someone is self-absorbed does not mean they are a narcissist. Prevention.com states there are “trademarks of the personality disorder that you might be able to identify.”
“A narcissist, by definition, is someone with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy,” professor of psychology Cory Newman, told the health information provider, adding both genetics and upbringing likely play a role in leading to narcissistic behaviour.
“To quite a degree, personalities are inherited,” he said. “But if someone was super indulged, always told that he or she was special or better than other kids, and never given limits, that would likely contribute.”
Experts estimate that five per cent of people have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Research has also shown that men are more likely than women to have NPD, Prevention.com reports.
According to the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, a true narcissist will display five or more of the following characteristics:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance.
- A belief they are special or unique.
- A need for excessive admiration.
- A sense of entitlement.
- A lack of empathy.
- Envy of others with the belief others are envious of them.
- Arrogant of haughty behaviour.
- A preoccupation with fantasies of success and the perfect mate.
Attempting to get the upper hand
Simply Psychology states that in a breakup, a narcissistic partner will likely attempt to make things difficult, no matter who is seeking the divorce.
“A narcissist’s delusional belief in their own grandiosity and superiority can lead them to interpret divorce as a direct challenge to their sense of status and worth,” according to the report’s author. “If they feel they are losing control over you, they will do whatever it takes to gain the upper hand.
“They might use gaslighting, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, or other psychological tactics to confuse you and make it difficult for you to make clear decisions.”
Simply Psychology states a narcissist can employ a wide variety of tactics that can make divorce challenging and emotionally draining including:
Abuse: Often during the end of a relationship a narcissist will step up their abusive behaviour.
Simply Psychology explains narcissists “thrive on drama and conflict” and “may escalate disputes during the divorce process, making reaching agreements on important issues like child custody, property division, and alimony more challenging.”
Manipulation: Narcissists will often use such tactics as emotional blackmail, victim-playing and blame-shifting. They may threaten to hurt themselves in order to manipulate you or will blame you for the divorce to elicit sympathy. A narcissist may also attempt to manipulate you financially, hiding assets claiming they are entitled to your money or exerting control over your financial situation.
Controlling Behavior: Because narcissism is associated with an excessive need for control your former spouse might refuse to sign documents, withhold important information or “lose” pertinent papers. They may also try to prolong the divorce through legal maneuvers.
Discrediting You: A narcissist may attempt to exact revenge and prove their dominance by tarnishing your reputation. Because narcissists are concerned about how they are perceived, they may try to present themselves in a positive light while spreading rumours designed to turn others against you.
Faking Kindness: A narcissistic spouse may act in a kind manner in an attempt to lower your guard and to further their own gains. Simply Psychology warns “there will likely be a stark contrast between what they say to your face and how they behave behind your back. They will distort or deny reality to make you doubt your perceptions, memory, or sanity.” This kindness may be an attempt to get close so they can steal your money or turn your children against you, according to Simply Psychology.
Make a plan
Your partner may try to win you back once they learn you are planning to end the relationship. However, Simply Psychology states that when a narcissist realizes divorce is inevitable, “they can become contentious. hostile, and antagonistic.”
They may act out in any number of ways, including harassing or abusing you or refusing to sign divorce papers. Simply Psychology suggests the following steps to minimize your risks:
- Collect evidence of any wrongdoings, which includes recording conversations and making detailed notes of your interactions with your spouse.
- Maintain your composure and avoid reacting emotionally to your spouse’s provocations.
- Establish boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally and clearly communicate those boundaries to your ex.
- Find alternative living accommodations and minimize direct contact with your spouse.
- Develop a parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s needs and minimizes conflict.
- Protect your assets and safeguard any important documents and valuables. If you share a bank account, have cash set aside and consider opening your own bank account that your ex cannot access.
- Discontinue using social media and email accounts on all devices and change your passwords.
- Take care of yourself and engage in activities you enjoy, such as yoga, meditating, exercising or spending time with loved ones and friends.
- Consider joining a support group or seeing a therapist who can help with coping strategies.
Seek legal advice
It is always wise to consult with a family lawyer during a divorce to ensure your rights are protected and your future needs will be addressed. However, it can be especially crucial to seek legal advice when dealing with a narcissistic spouse.
It is also important to recognize and understand what motivates a narcissist. It is not uncommon for a narcissist to refuse to compromise or negotiate, viewing a divorce as a competition they must win.
The team at Demas Schaefer Family Lawyers has the experience to deal with all family matters, creating strategies that are practical, efficient and cost-effective. Contact us today to see how we can help guide you to a brighter future.