By Sean Schaefer
The way we look at families has changed dramatically over the years. The once “nuclear” family of children with two biological parents is no longer the tradition as dynamics and relationships evolve.
Now, we also have single-parent families, adoptive/foster families, same-sex parent families and couples with children who cohabitate but never marry. There are cross-generational families where children live with their parents in their grandparents’ homes and children who reside with their grandparents as parents. There is also the blended family.
A blended family, or a stepfamily, is a union formed when two people decide to live together and include the children from a previous relationship. The children might be in the same age group or have age differences. One person may enter the relationship without a child or one who only lives with them on a shared basis. The couple may also decide to have a child together to add to the family.
Like any family, a blended household will face challenges, especially when adjusting to the new domestic reality. You, your partner and the children will be facing emotional and logistic changes that are bound to result in some tense times. Mistakes are bound to occur so it pays to do some research before bringing families together.
It is not as easy as it looks
Just because you and your new partner get along and are excited about living together doesn’t mean any children you have from your previous relationships will be quite as enamoured with the concept. The process is not as simple or seamless as it is made out on television.
"The Brady Bunch did not help us when it comes to what to do in stepfamilies," Caroline Sanner, an assistant professor of family science at Virginia Tech who studies stepfamily relationships, told NPR. "It sets a lot of folks up for disappointment at best.”
According to the report, Patricia Papernow, a psychologist and author who has written about blended families, says becoming a blended family is a process, “not an event.”
She says new couples can get caught up in their desire to form a family "and oftentimes they charge ahead." But that can be harmful for the children.
"One of the dilemmas is that as the rate of change goes up, kids' well-being goes down. Kids need to go much more slowly," Papernow told NPR.
Expect to face challenges
Any relationship will have its obstacles. However, those challenges can be multiplied when bringing two families together. While you are convinced that you have found your soulmate, your children may have different thoughts. Even if they are accepting of your new partner, they could be feeling guilt about how it will impact their other biological parent.
A couple should be prepared for the practical aspects of uniting two families. WebMD states there are numerous hurdles a blended or stepfamily may have to overcome including:
- Different parenting styles.
- Competition for attention.
- Conflicts between children.
- Grief and loss after divorce or death.
According to relationship experts, the “my house, my rules” approach can make the process even more difficult. Blending two families into a cohesive unit takes effort. Some members of the family may feel resented or disregarded and ignored. Children may believe that their new siblings are being favoured while others may feel angst because the routine and surroundings they had been accustomed to have been upended. Cherished family traditions may change or be lost altogether, causing resentment.
A successful union can also take time and consideration for all those involved. You may be dealing with differences in age, personality and development, not to mention apprehension and expectations. Children should be given some time to prepare for their new family life. Even after your new family is cohabitating it may take time for children to adjust. Patience is the key, experts agree. You may also consider consulting with a family therapist for advice.
Plan to succeed
We’ve all heard the old saying, “People don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan.” With that in mind following some common-sense tips could help make the transition to your new family reality a little smoother.
Start on the right foot. Discuss how the family dynamic will work with your new partner before you make the change. This will avoid any unpleasant surprises when it comes to parenting and allow you to make any adjustments in childrearing styles.
Be upfront. Disagreements will happen. They are a fact of life and it may not be easy to bond with your new stepchild. Your parenting style may be different than your new partner’s. Communication is important. Discuss expectations and responsibilities early in the relationship and set limits and boundaries.
Consider children’s feelings. Don’t assume your child is going to be as happy with your new situation as you. They might be having a difficult time adjusting to a new home life so you need to take time to connect with your child. Ask them how they are feeling and let them know you are there for them. Make them feel valued and allow them to share their opinions in family decisions.
Don't force the bonding. Bringing two families together can be a challenge so it is important that children be given time to adjust. "There's so much in this transition that they're not in control of, and feeling kind of forced to bond with these new family members can be really overwhelming,” Caroline Sanner, an assistant professor of family science told NPR. "Allowing them to go at their own pace, really honouring their feelings and the speed at which they want to bond, allows them to be much more receptive to bonding with their stepsiblings. Whereas if it feels forced, no one wants to be in a relationship with someone where it feels forced."
Discipline should be left to the biological parent. According to NPR, research shows the relationship with a stepchild “can turn toxic if a stepparent is allowed to discipline their stepchild before they've had time to develop a caring, trusting relationship.”
Expect some conflict. People don’t always get along and children are no exception. No matter how polite and well-behaved they are, children of a blended family are bound to have some personality conflicts. Don’t compare one child to another or make the children compete for your attention.
Plan time together. Creating new family rituals and traditions that encourage the stepfamily to come together can build and strengthen your bond. Plan activities you can do as a family and seek input from all those involved.
Be patient. You may be a loving, caring person who has shown compassion and affection to the new additions to your family. However, your stepchildren may not be immediately accepting of you. Give them time. Remember, children need to feel safe and secure in their environment.
We are here to serve your blended family
Family harmony takes time but a healthy relationship will provide a strong foundation as you move forward with your new life. You may have legal questions about protecting your blended family and we are here to help.
The experienced team at Demas Schaefer Family Lawyers can provide sound, practical and creative advice. You can trust that we will do everything we can to put you on the right path. Contact us today. We offer a free 15-minute telephone or video consultation to see how we can help you.