By Graeme Kluge
Telling your children that you are planning to divorce is one of the most difficult tasks a parent will face. The dissolution of a marriage already evokes a range of emotions, including anger, guilt and resentment.
On top of that, you also have the feelings of your children to consider since they will certainly be affected by the changes the divorce will bring.
Here are eight tips on how parents can help their offspring cope with this difficult transition.
Pick the right time to tell them
Learning their parents are divorcing will upset many children, especially younger ones who rely on both mom and dad for support. Be careful how you break the news. Don’t blurt it out impulsively in an emotional moment or before bed. The best time may be during the day on a weekend, to give them the opportunity to process the news without their schoolwork being directly affected. But make sure they hear the news from you and not from a family member or friend you have confided in. If that happens, the children might think that you feel they are not important enough to be told directly.
Do it together
If your divorce is amicable, tell the children about your divorce together. Tensions between you and your spouse will still make this difficult but a joint announcement will let your children know that you are committed to working together as their parents. If you are estranged from the other spouse a combined announcement may not be possible. In that situation, however, the children will probably not be surprised to hear about the divorce.
Listen to your children
Amendments to the Divorce Act in 2021 included a list of factors to help courts determine the best interest of children when it comes to divorce. One of those factors is the children’s views and preferences. The weight given to their wishes will depend on their age and maturity. The new law also encourages parents to develop a parenting plan with as little court intervention as possible, setting out responsibilities following divorce. If spouses are not able to agree, they can rely on the services of a neutral mediator. Mediation is just one of the many services Demas Schaefer provides to families going through divorce.
Avoid the temptation to assign blame
Children do not need to know details about what led to the divorce. Even if one partner cheated on the other, that information will not help children cope with the fact that their domestic situation is about to change, perhaps significantly. The “truth” is less important than providing support and reassurance. As they grow older, they can discover what led to the divorce at an age where they are better able to process and accept those details. And do not badmouth your spouse in front of your children. Although your relationship with your partner is ending, it benefits your children to have a strong relationship with both their parents.
Keep the message clear and simple
Children may be overwhelmed by emotions when they learn their parents are divorcing. When you first talk to them, leave out all the messy details by saying something like, “We just can’t live together anymore, but you will continue to be key parts of our lives, but in separate homes.” Make it clear that discussion process between you and the children needs to be ongoing as you all manage the new reality.
Encourage them to express their feelings
Children in this situation may feel insecure, not knowing what the future holds. You may not know either, but assure them that you will do everything possible to provide a stable, loving home for them. Encourage children to be honest about their emotions and express their feelings. Tears may flow but that is a healthy part of the process.
Tell them you don’t have all the answers
When children first find out about a divorce they will have many questions. If you are in the early stages of a divorce and the new living arrangements are not yet decided, you will be not able to answer queries such as “How often will I get to see you?”, “Do I have to move?” and “Do I have to change schools?” Reassure them that you have their best interests at heart and will strive to make the transition as smooth as possible. Let your children know that despite the changes ahead, the family will be happier and healthier in the days ahead. Reassure them that it may be difficult for a while but that everyone will be better off with the new arrangements. If you and your spouse have settled on how you will share time with the children, let them know the schedule.
Make sure they know it’s not their fault
Some children may feel that they contributed to the divorce. Make it clear this was an adult decision the two of you have made and there is nothing the children can do to fix the relationship, even if child-rearing decisions were a marital issue. Stress that nothing they did or could have done would have prevented the divorce. Assure them that your love for them will never change. Parents can divorce but the bond with their children remains strong.
Contact us for assistance
If you are considering divorce but don’t know what to do next, the team at Demas Schaefer is here to help. We can assist you with all the legal aspects of the process, including preparing a Statement of Claim for Divorce, a Statement of Defence, drawing up a parenting plan and mediation with an ex-partner. We can also go to court to protect your interests if that step is required in your divorce. We serve all of northern Alberta. Contact us for a free consultation.