By Graeme Kluge
Divorce can be traumatic for children, especially when they have to shuttle back and forth from one home to another to spend time with their parents. Their angst is understandable. Up until the time their parents’ relationship ended, they had routine that was essentially constant.
According to one study, “children develop emotional security when their world is nurturing, consistent, and predictable.”
“As children experience the same routines over and over, the brain strengthens connections that will lead to trust and secure attachments,” researchers state. “Children who live in consistent environments also learn to regulate their own emotions and behavior better, because they know what to expect of the world around them.”
That is why birdnesting, or nesting, can help ease a child’s transition to a new family reality during the separation period.
What is nesting?
Nesting is not new. However, it is also not generally utilized by families on a large scale. This shared custody arrangement allows children to remain in the family residence while their parents alternate staying in the home in an agreed-upon schedule. One parent may choose to stay in a rented apartment, with friends or family, a hotel or a short-term rental when not in the family home.
While offering stability, it also gives parents time to talk to their offspring about what is in store after the marriage ends and to assure them that both parents intend to be there for them in the future.
Parents do all the moving so nesting provides children with a constant home setting while their parents work toward a divorce. It can also be an effective strategy to deal with an approaching milestone, such as the end of the school year.
It allows parents to have equal time with their children while sorting out issues related to the end of their relationship. Parents also get a sense of the realities of solo parenting and a glimpse of what their child will face travelling between two homes while dividing their time between their two parents. The adults may also appreciate having the familiarity of their matrimonial residence during their transition to a new life.
It is not for everyone, especially parents who don’t like shuttling back and forth. Some couples want a clean break so they can start to rebuild their lives. One of the parents may enter into another relationship, which can cause hurt feelings. There is also the possible added expense of renting another living space.
Nesting can work in a single residence
Some couples may have a house that is large enough to allow them to be separate yet together. For example, their home can be divided so that one parent lives in the basement when it is not their turn with the children while the other lives in the main residence. This arrangement would also work if one parent prefers to stay somewhere else – such as with a friend or relative – when it is their turn to live in the basement.
It should be noted, however, that under the Divorce Act, the court must be satisfied that you are living “separate and apart” for one year before you can be granted a divorce. You can still live in the same residence but it is how you do it that matters. A judge will look at such factors as whether you socialize together, make meals and eat together, share a bed or have sexual relations to determine whether you are separated in the eyes of the law.
The prime minister had a nesting arrangement
When Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Sophie Grégoire Trudeau separated in August 2023 they announced they planned to co-parent their three children using a nesting arrangement.
It was reported that he remained at Rideau Cottage, on the grounds of Rideau Hall, while Grégoire Trudeau moved into a nearby private residence.
Denise Whitehead, chair of sexuality, marriage and family studies at St. Jerome’s University at the University of Waterloo, told the National Post that the arrangement provided the children with “tremendous stability.”
“The fact that the parents have worked out this incredibly collaborative and positive parenting arrangement for their children really speaks to the fact that these are parents who are very child-focused,” she told the Post.
However, Whitehead added there can be problems with nesting if there is conflict between the parents adding sharing a space “can sometimes breed the very same resentments that maybe led to the separation.”
Communication is the key
According to Psychology Today parents need to work together and try to avoid conflict for nesting to work.
“it isn’t easy to set aside emotions where there has been a betrayal, or when the hopes and dreams you had at your wedding have unravelled,” Dr. Ann Buscho, a licensed psychologist told Psychology Today. “Parents should be willing to develop, perhaps with help from a therapist, a detailed and structured nesting plan that spells out predictable issues and how they will be resolved. Good communication, mutual respect and trust may need to be strengthened.”
She said each plan should be tailored to each family’s unique situation laying out each parent’s on-duty schedule.
“It states clearly how bills will be funded and paid. It could spell out responsibilities in the home, such as maintenance, and an agreement to leave the home in reasonable condition when the on-duty parent goes off-duty,” Buscho added. “It describes what is private, such as each one’s personal computer, and parents agree to leave important documents and papers accessible to each. Often it includes an agreement regarding new relationships.
She said nesting can fail if there is a breach of trust or if parents cannot “manage their emotions.”
It may also be necessary to manage expectations. Children should know that nesting doesn’t mean their parents are getting back together and their present arrangement is only temporary.
Putting a plan in place
Parents must face the possibility of having to compromise when deciding how their nesting plan will work. Some people don’t necessarily need a detailed agreement although it can help if disagreements arise. Basic rules that outline household and child caring responsibilities can be helpful.
A divorce can be a daunting prospect but the team at Demas Schaefer is here to provide constructive and creative solutions to get you through the emotional and legal challenges that lay ahead. Contact us for a free consultation to explore your options.