No matter how solid your relationship, disagreements are bound to occur. And that is normal. However, when problems become more frequent and there are signs that they are forming a pattern, it may be indicative of something more serious.
The warning signs of abuse are not always immediately recognized. When you begin a new relationship, things may be fine and there is no reason to suspect your partner will turn abusive. Domestic abuse advocates say signs of abuse don’t always appear overnight. As the relationship grows, it can emerge and intensify.
Domestic abuse, also known as domestic violence or intimate partner violence (IPV), “can be defined as a pattern of behaviour in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner,” according to the United Nations.
“Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviours that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone,” The UN states. “Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
“Domestic abuse is typically manifested as a pattern of abusive behaviour toward an intimate partner in a dating or family relationship, where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim.”
Victims of domestic violence can feel trapped and alone, afraid to seek the help that they need.
If you are a victim, it is important to put safety first. There are many resources that can guide you so you don’t have to face a difficult situation alone. The team at Demas Schaefer Family Lawyers is also here to lend support and legal advice. Our approach is situation specific and we will work diligently to tailor a strategy to address your needs and concerns.
Understanding domestic abuse
Intimate partner violence is one of the most common forms of violence against women, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). Men can also be victimized, although advocates note that women and gender-diverse people are most commonly subjected to domestic violence.
While domestic violence typically refers to violence between people who are, or have been, in an intimate or dating relationship, it is also included in the broader definition of family violence. The Government of Canada took steps to address the issue of family violence when it amended the Divorce Act.
According to the Department of Justice (DoJ) family violence occurs when anyone in a family is abused, whether it is an adult or child.
“Family violence can be words, acts or even not giving someone the care they need. It may be a single incident or a recurring pattern of behaviour,” the DoJ states. “Family violence can also happen before, during or after a couple separates. People are often at higher risk of family violence soon after a separation.”
Abuse can also lead to criminal charges. Although there is no specific offence in the Criminal Code, most acts of family violence are crimes in Canada. Several sections of the Code can be used to prosecute incidents of family violence, including assault, sexual assault, kidnapping and homicide.
The Canadian Women’s Foundation (CWF) reports that “advocates and survivors have said for years, abuse is not about jealousy or love – it is about power and control.”
IPV can impact all genders, ages, socioeconomic, racial, educational, ethnic, religious and cultural backgrounds. It can occur anytime within a marriage, common-law or dating relationship, even if that relationship has ended.
Abusive relationships can develop gradually
The CWF states that many abusive relationships develop over time. Some abusers may not acknowledge their actions or admit to having behaved badly but “show great remorse, and promise never to do it again – though they almost always do.”
“At first, it might be tempting to write their behaviour off as harmless, perhaps just signs of love or jealousy or emotional insecurity,” according to the foundation.
Advocates note that domestic violence doesn’t always look the same, but one common factor is that an abusive partner will attempt to gain power and control.
Assumptions are made
People often assume that if someone is in an abusive relationship that they are making a choice to stay, that they have the power to end the abuse by leaving. But that is short-sighted, according to the CWF.
“We need to begin to understand, support and believe victims — not blame them,” they state.
There are many reasons why people don’t leave, the foundation reports. They may stay because:
- their family, friends or community have told them they won’t support them and that they believe divorce is never a viable option;
- they have a disability and are dependent on their partner for daily care;
- they grew up in a family where abuse was normal, making it difficult to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy;
- they fear for their life or the welfare of their children;
- they believe they have nowhere to go or are unaware of what support is available in the community;
- they believe everyone thinks their abuser is a good person and is convinced they will be judged and not believed;
- they want try to make the relationship work and help their abuser to change; or
- they blame themselves for the abuse.
Watch for red flags and get help
There are steps you can take to protect yourself and links to government resources that can explain the type of assistance available. The Province of Alberta has information on assessing help lines and can offer those fleeing family violence emergency funds to defray the cost of leaving.
The Canadian Women’s Foundation has an extensive list of signs that you may be a victim. Has your partner:
- Called you names, made jokes at your expense, or humiliated you in public/private?
- Told you what to wear, or criticized how you dress?
- Demanded sex when you are not willing, or insisted on sexual activities you dislike or that cause pain?
- Refused to let you work/forced you to work?
- Refused to let you leave the house?
- Constantly demanded to know your whereabouts, what you were doing and who you were with?
- Monitored your phone calls, text messages, emails or social media?
- Refused to let you communicate with friends or family?
- Told you who you can talk to?
- Constantly questioned your spending or taken control of your money?
- Followed you in a way that made you fearful?
- Used physical force, such as punching, slapping, choking, pushing or has struck you with an object/weapon?
- Threatened to use physical force, either verbally or non-verbally, such as displaying weapons and implying their use?
- Physically harmed people you know or pets?
- Threatened to kill you or others, or themselves if you leave?
- Threatened to turn you over to the authorities, such as the police or immigration officials if you leave?
- Used your religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or control you, or to justify violence?
- Refused to let you practice your spiritual beliefs or insisting that you follow theirs?
- Told you that their abusive behaviour was your fault?
- Destroyed your possessions?
- Showed up unexpectedly, when they were not invited and not welcome, to social or work events?
- Stolen your money?
- Insisted you use drugs or alcohol against your will?
- Insisted you participate in dangerous or criminal activities?
- Hidden your keys or purse so you can’t leave the house?
We are here to help
If you are in an abusive relationship, it may seem there is no way out. But there are many resources available to help you safely get through this difficult time. At Demas Schaefer Family Lawyers, we can help explain your rights and legal options and find a solution that is right for you.
Contact us for a free, no-obligation, 15-minute telephone or video consultation. We serve all of Northern Alberta and have represented clients in Edmonton, Leduc, Wetaskiwin, Sherwood Park, Spruce Grove, St. Albert, Red Deer, Provost, Grande Prairie, Peace River, Edson, Hinton, and Cold Lake.